Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:18] Speaker B: Hi there. Welcome. Welcome to another edition of Awareness, the podcast fostering a more compassionate, empathetic and accepting society.
This is episode number 30 we're about to embark on. I sure hope that you can subscribe to this podcast. We need some more subscribers. I looked at that earlier today on YouTube and I'm like, we got it. We got to grow this thing some more. So pass this on to your friends, your acquaintances, your family, your family friends, anyone that you can think of. That would be like an amazing holiday season gesture you could give to this show is to just subscribe and, and follow along on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, celebrating a birthday next week. So that would be an amazing birthday present too, is just to subscribe to this podcast, please. That would be amazing. We want to grow this thing. So it's, it's YouTube. You type in awareness with Rob Daniels, something like that. You can, you can find episode after episode, but I would appreciate if you did. And today we have a very special conversation with Ed Shield, who is a child, family and relationship therapist with over 40 years of experience and the senior clinical supervisor at Rakesh Family and Child Services. Now, Ed has spent decades helping parents and children navigate emotional challenges, strengthen relationships and, and set kids up for long term success.
And in this episode we're going to dive into the surprising ways that small shifts in communication can dramatically change a child's development, friendships, confidence, and even future success.
So stay tuned because I know that Ed is going to be sharing some insights for you that every parent, or even if you're a caregiver for that matter, and educator, can start using right away. So this is something you want to be here for.
It is Awareness Episode 30. Rob Daniels with Ed Shield. Welcome to the podcast.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: Thank you. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for the invitation.
It's very nice. Thank you.
[00:02:41] Speaker B: And I'm. You're welcome. And I'm grateful that you, that you are here.
We actually have a mutual friend in Beth.
Shout out to Beth for making this episode happen and she knows who she is and there'll be some social media from her end on this, but so we look forward to that. And in terms of yourself, Ed, like for the listeners out there, viewers who may not know you officially yet, can you share a bit about you, your, your background and your role at Regesh Family and Child Services?
[00:03:17] Speaker A: Okay, thank you. It's a pleasure always to talk about Regesh. I can always speak about it. I'm the founder of Regesh. I started it 40, 44 years ago.
It's a mental health pro agency. We are a nonprofit. We are registered charity.
We provide therapy and help and assistance for families, for children, for adolescents, consultation for other schools, for other agencies. I've done a lot of confiscations with children's aid societies and presentations, a lot of presentations over these years.
[00:04:02] Speaker B: Now you have, like you said, 44 years of experience that's working with children directly with parents and, and with families.
So what, like, what originally drew you to this type of work?
[00:04:15] Speaker A: Oh, a great question.
Sometimes I wonder actually.
Many, many. And a few more. Many years ago, I wanted to be a teacher.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:04:27] Speaker A: And I was in New York. I was new to, new to New York and the school that I was going to. Actually, in order to become a teacher, you have to take psychology, you have to get a bachelor's in psychology, and then you can get from there, you can go on for, for, for teaching. So I enjoyed it so much that I never turned around, I went straight for the psychology.
I got my, my BA from there. I, and then I, I was just trying to remember today, actually the master's I think I got from the university, from New York University.
And then I've got, I've gotten all of my PhD work from, from Oise here in Toronto, except for the final step stamp and family issues said you don't have time to do, to do the, the dissertation. So, yeah, PhD is pending.
[00:05:34] Speaker B: Is pending. Okay.
[00:05:36] Speaker A: But I must say also when explaining this, that the journey of reggae has been wonderful. I love what I do. Everybody tells me I'm very fortunate. I love what I do.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: Well, yeah, and that's, that's fortunate to have like, it's the best kind of feeling to wake up in the morning and look forward to the work that you do and the purpose that you provide in society. So good on you for that and starting Ragesh. And you often, you talk about helping children do better than the average child socially, emotionally and even professionally when, when we had spoken away from this show episode. So what in, in your mind, what does doing better really mean from a clinical perspective?
[00:06:27] Speaker A: Well, that's a good question. In fact, what I do is I often ask parents who are coming to me with troubled children, trouble with the children, trouble parenting and so on.
I say there's no warranty in this business in therapy. But if I could give you a guarantee, which I can't, but if I could, if I could promise you that your child is going to do better than the average child in school, if I could promise you that your child will make better friends, meaning more acceptable friends.
If I could promise you the third thing would be that they are going to get a better job than the average adult.
And fourth and final, if I can promise you that they're going to make more money than the average, would you want it?
Would a leading what A leading like.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: Who would say no to that?
[00:07:23] Speaker A: Right, right.
[00:07:25] Speaker B: And it's your own tribal sense them.
[00:07:27] Speaker A: That I asked such a question.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Your own flesh and blood. And I mean we, we'll get to that obviously on, on this program. But I mean what, what are some of the biggest like struggles would you say that you see parents facing today compared to earlier in your career?
[00:07:46] Speaker A: I, I think both adults, meaning the parents and the children.
I think it's a, it's like, I think I told you earlier, it's like in the drinking water that we drink is anxiety. You know anxiety I think is on almost either anxiety or depression is almost everyone. Emotional deregulation, dysregulation is, is, is the most common problem.
And parents, loving parents, they don't know how to deal with it. No one ever taught them. That's why it's not that they don't know because you know what they choose not to. No one taught them and probably because no one taught their parents.
[00:08:26] Speaker B: Right. And it just keeps getting passed on from generation to generation it would seem. And they don't, they don't know that.
They don't know maybe what to, what to do with it, how to channel it or they're just used to maybe being in such a hostile environment all the time that they've, that that's just normalcy to them.
[00:08:46] Speaker A: Right.
And I think society has changed and that's the other thing.
[00:08:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:50] Speaker A: What, what their parents did with them is very different from what parents are doing now.
[00:08:57] Speaker B: Right.
[00:08:57] Speaker A: And you know, they think they can just pass on. How do I, how do I know how to be a parent? How do I know how to be a parent? Because we, we live, I always say we learn what we lived and then we live what we learn.
[00:09:12] Speaker B: Yeah. Makes, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I mean we, in our, in our conversations that we've had previously, you've, you've mentioned that parents can dramatically improve a child's long term outcomes through a simple shift in how they communicate.
Can you walk us into that idea?
[00:09:35] Speaker A: Right. So again, the best of parents and we all think we are and we are probably in some ways we are want to do the best for our children.
The trouble is these emotions because we parents have emotions too.
[00:09:54] Speaker B: Right.
[00:09:55] Speaker A: And for some reason we were taught that when I was growing up, it was do as I say, not as I do. Or, you know, and, and a beautiful story about that, but another time.
But parents are trying to apply what was applied to them first. The world is very different today.
[00:10:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: The, what children do as children today is totally different than it was 25, 30 years ago or depending on the parents age.
We can't rely on that. But yet we do. I'll give you a good example, a very good example. The child does something wrong.
So we parents get, get angry with them.
[00:10:41] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: And we show the angry, react, anger. The only thing that the child knows, Mommy and daddy are angry with me. It has nothing to do with what just happened.
[00:10:50] Speaker B: Right.
[00:10:51] Speaker A: And yet we, you know, I say all the time, I have a specialty in anger management.
I say all the time, there's nothing good that will come from anger. And I ask everybody, I deal with, do you enjoy it? No. Everyone says no, nothing good is going to come from your anger. If anything, the whole issue that the, that the parents trying to discipline on gets lost and the child now has a temper tantrum, calls the parents, I mean, that's another thing. I mean, I, I see here and I hear parent children calling their parents names that we weren't even allowed to say, you know, and, and, and everything goes. And we don't know how to deal with that.
You know, the children learn from other children.
They learn from, you know, that they can. I'm right and you're wrong.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: Right.
[00:11:40] Speaker A: And, and it used to be not too long ago people talked about tough love.
[00:11:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:48] Speaker A: The truth of the matter is there's no such thing as tough love. Because if you try tough love, you're going to have the tough and you're going to forget how to love.
It's proven, it does work.
[00:11:58] Speaker B: Right. You know, so you, you, you basically, yeah, you're, you're all about the fostering more of the compassion towards children in heated moments, obviously, it seems like. So, so what do you.
[00:12:15] Speaker A: What would.
[00:12:16] Speaker B: You say to a parent? Let's say that's in the heat of a moment, they're about to unleash their anger, but boom, they think twice.
Is that, what, is there something, some sort of a mantra they can tell themselves when they get to that moment before it unleashes, how they stop themselves, how do they resist? Is there a, is there a secret to resisting in that moment?
[00:12:39] Speaker A: Yes, there is. There is.
Because again, there, there's one of the ways that we all, everyone, every living person, we, we deal with our daily lives.
It's a sequence. Sequence means something happens the same way every time. And every time, whether it's good or bad, it makes no difference. And that is, is falls back to cognitive behavioral therapy with CBT of the way I think becomes the way I feel, becomes the way I act.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: Right.
[00:13:11] Speaker A: And if I'm getting angry, that means it's my thought that caused that anger.
I interpreted something based on my life, my own life, how I heard or how I saw, whatever. All the senses are talking to our brain and that our brain in return talks to us. So when I start thinking that way, whatever I thought, I thought that person was insulting. I thought they called me a name. I thought they had an angry face or whatever it is, it's going to affect the way I feel and the way I feel affects what I want to do about it.
So if we're getting angry, we've got to change the way. You know, we call it the old fashioned. We used to call it anger management. It's not anger management.
It's definitely not. It's thought management. I have to control the way I'm thinking.
[00:13:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:59] Speaker A: And when I think about that situation differently, I'm going to feel differently.
[00:14:03] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think. Would you agree that a lot of the times when a parent can blow up at their child, let's say, because let's say no parent is, is perfect out there.
A lot of that can sometimes do you feel, can stem from something that happened to the parent, maybe like two minutes prior and then it leads into the next situation. Or it could be something else that's stressing them out and then the child presses their buttons with all this extra, you know, wrongdoing, let's say, and it, it gets taken out on the child.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: Well, that's probably half of it.
[00:14:39] Speaker B: Half of it.
[00:14:40] Speaker A: In other words, what I've experienced, and not even just two minutes ago, what I've experienced, you know, my child can say something, do something that reminds me when I was their age.
[00:14:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:51] Speaker A: Or how my parents dealt with me. And then so they, that comes up. But it's, it's more than just what's that, what's happening. It's what they've, they've again, what they've learned to do and that's all they know. And like you say, they're loving parents.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:06] Speaker A: And I'm trying my best. But when the, when the child is, by the way, it's the too many phone calls from the principal or whether the Child, which they're doing more than ever. Getting angry at the parents and not just holding it back, but showing it. Calling their parents names you wouldn't believe.
The parents don't know how to deal with. So they're reacting. We talk about the difference in reacting and responding. Reacting is impulsive. Responding as you're thinking about it.
[00:15:33] Speaker B: That's, that's a good point.
[00:15:34] Speaker A: Parents have never heard that before. So now that they hear that, are you reacting or are you responding?
[00:15:40] Speaker B: Exactly. And I mean you've, you've talked to me about a two word type of sequence before that that helps. There are two words out there that you believe you've told me off this show that can transform a child's emotional development.
Development. And before we reveal those two key words, can you talk about why traditional approaches like yelling or punishment, for example, tend to fail?
[00:16:15] Speaker A: Well, we have to first realize the word punishment and consequence is two different things. A punishment means I'm angry with you and I'm going to get back at you.
That's what it means. That's why I interpret it. That's what it means. A consequence means what can I teach my child from this? It's a lesson.
[00:16:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:33] Speaker A: So we have to, so that's number one. You have to be very careful because when we get, when we get angry, we're teaching the children. They're watching us, you know, they're watching us and they, they learn to get angry also. If you get angry at me, then I can get angry with you.
[00:16:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:48] Speaker A: And so, so that, that doesn't work. It just does. It doesn't. Like I said before, you know, it's, it's, it's what just happened gets forgotten and put on the shelf. Now we're dealing with the emotions.
[00:17:02] Speaker B: Right, Right. And so.
Go ahead, sir.
[00:17:05] Speaker A: So I mean, one of the things to, to change what's going on with our children is we have to recognize that. We have to recognize that I'm trying to discipline my child, but what I'm really doing is I'm getting angry with them.
And then we wonder why they're getting so angry with us.
[00:17:24] Speaker B: Right. Because they, they learn what they sort of get fed on to them. Yeah. What they.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: Look, when the parent gets angry, it makes them very angry. It does. When the child gets angry, it makes the parent angry.
[00:17:36] Speaker B: Yeah, Back and forth.
[00:17:38] Speaker A: By the way, I say that anger is the second most contagious thing in the world.
[00:17:42] Speaker B: Really. Eh.
[00:17:43] Speaker A: When some person gets angry, the other person's gonna get angry back at them.
[00:17:47] Speaker B: And what's what's the first? Most contagious?
[00:17:49] Speaker A: Oh, it's a yawn.
[00:17:51] Speaker B: It's the yawn.
[00:17:52] Speaker A: There you go.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: I was gonna say. Okay, so back to these two words. I mean, because this is super important for anyone listening here.
A new parent or a parent that's struggling, an educator out there, etc.
You know, this is how you can transform a child's emotional development, which is huge. Transforming a child's emotional development. So what are the two words that you believe can transform a child's emotional development?
[00:18:23] Speaker A: Okay, so these two words are going to sound so simple to everyone, but I'm telling you, they are powerful.
Proven, researched. It's powerful.
And again, just before we say these two words, as everyone's guessing what I'm about to say, it's it. It's simple in those things, which I'll show you and tell you.
But it's not simple in the sense that we're not used to doing it.
The first word, the most important thing we can do. I wish I could stay on top of the singing tower and scream it. The most important thing we can do is praise our children.
We have to literally look for the areas of the daily life that we can praise them. I'm so proud of you.
But the other thing we have to do is associate. I didn't tell you this one.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:19:15] Speaker A: Associated with the praise is teach our.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: Children to self praise, self praise, praise themselves.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: Teach them how to praise and to praise themselves. What have you done today that you're proud of?
Now we as parents, we could ask ourselves, we could ask our partners and so on, but at suppertime every day, ask the child, what have you done that you guys are proud of?
But the other thing is, when we see them do those things first, are we aware? Do we know what proud being proud is?
Because when you're proud, it has incredible strength. And there's all kinds of research that shows us when you tell your employees how proud you are, not just thank them, but tell them, I'm so proud you've done so such good work.
It makes a totally different impression and result.
First thing we can do, remember those four things I said at the beginning?
Better grades. But as friends, blah, blah, blah, praise them.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:15] Speaker A: I don't understand. And this is true. I really, in all these years, I don't understand why we as parents and teachers are much more ready readily finding the mistakes our children make. We're quick to pick up on the mistakes. Why can't I learn to be quick to pick up on the things you Know my son is supposed to clean his room.
I don't want to have to tell him all the time, but when he does it, I didn't even see it. I can open the door. My. One of my favorite words is wow.
[00:20:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:46] Speaker A: Beautiful.
[00:20:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:48] Speaker A: That kid for the rest of the day on my side.
[00:20:51] Speaker B: Right. If you, yeah, if you praise them. Yeah, for sure.
[00:20:54] Speaker A: And goes, wonderful. It works. And this works as you start praising your child. You will see, they will. At first they're going to say, what's wrong with you? Mom and dad?
But they will, they will. You know, and, and praises. You can never praise too much.
[00:21:13] Speaker B: And what's the second word?
[00:21:15] Speaker A: Okay, the second word is very closely related and I have to validate.
So when my child is upset, rather than yelling at him for screaming and, you know, yelling at his sister and calling the names and first, let's, before we do anything, validate. I see, I hear how upset you are. I see. I understand how much what your, your sister just did. She came into your room again for the hundredth time without asking permission. That's a big one, by the way.
[00:21:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:49] Speaker A: And, and validated.
Because what you just did, you connected with the child.
When you get angry with him, you're pushing them away. When you validate, you have brought your own. You're a working team.
[00:22:01] Speaker B: Right.
[00:22:02] Speaker A: And you praise them for it.
[00:22:05] Speaker B: I engaged in the second one. I actually tried it out today because I learned this from you.
I tried it with my daughter, my 11 year old, and she tends to sometimes take naps because she doesn't go to bed when she should and she's exhausted when she gets home from school. And so when you have that feeling, you get that grogginess when you first wake up from a nap that was probably 45 minutes long after school and she has to go shower and I'm, and I'm trying to get her up and she's, you know, in that mood, like, you know, turn the lights off, you know, just go, you know, there's nothing I need to do now. And, and, and I validated. I said, listen, I understand it's difficult to get up from a nap for. So you, you were out for Quite some time, 45 minutes. So it's okay, just, you know, take a few minutes to, you know, open your eyes.
Just if you need to sit here for a few minutes, I understand. But yes, it's normal to feel, feel the way you're feeling right now, a little groggy, a little cranky. And that's what I just tried to do instead of saying, you know, go take your shower. You need to take it right now. I tried to just reason with her and understand because I know the feeling. I would be like, let me put myself in her shoes. I know that feeling. So let me just be that kind, caring individual. I can be towards it. And. And, you know, she was. She got out of that, you know, instant mood quite quickly after that. And I was like, huh. See, Ed knows what he's talking about.
Yeah. So these words, they're powerful from a psychological and developable and a developmental standpoint. How would, like, how would you say, like, can you break down why those words are so powerful?
[00:23:48] Speaker A: Well, again, they have meaning to us, you know, when, when, when.
And like I said, it's actually been research in small businesses and so on. When. When we praise someone, they hear the praise. When we're upset and we're angry, we're yelling, we're doing whatever we're doing. They don't hear anything. They see it. And that's what registers with them. We want them to hear.
I'll tell you, I didn't tell you this before. Good example.
The two strongest words of. Have all these. These metaphors.
The two strongest words in the English language.
Two strongest words in the English language.
Especially when someone's trying to. When you think they're trying to start up with you, they're either bullying you or that they're telling you something that. That. That.
That they know is going to set you off.
So there's two words that I can use, and almost every time it will.
You become the winner. Instead of fighting back and getting upset and angry, you become the winner. And this is partly validation, by the way.
[00:25:00] Speaker B: Validation. Jeez. Okay, teach me now, because I'm a little. I'm a little clueless on the spot here, but I'm. I'm intrigued. I'm interested.
[00:25:08] Speaker A: Longest two words, strongest words in English language. It's. And people misunderstand it. They think it means something else. They think it means you're right. And it doesn't mean that at all.
It's called thank you.
Thank you for telling someone's arguing with you about something you said rather than arguing them back and calling them names. Thank you for your opinion. I have a different opinion, but thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you for telling me your opinion.
You can't fight with a person that just thought. Said. Thank you.
[00:25:39] Speaker B: Yeah. No, you can't.
[00:25:41] Speaker A: When. You know when. Even when your child says it to you.
Thank you for telling me that.
[00:25:46] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly.
[00:25:48] Speaker A: They're accusing you of something. They're accusing the teacher or something, you know, and, and tell my teachers. The problem is teachers don't know this either. We parents don't know, but the teachers don't either.
So they're human and they probably have children of their own. So they're used to dealing with children, though they try to behave themselves a little bit better. And 100 years ago, when I used to be a teacher, I saw it all the time. But it's, it's these, these little tricks of the trade are critical for us.
You know, this is, you know, the, the fact, the fact, Rob, that you are presenting this awareness today.
You are doing.
By presenting this. I really do believe this, by the way. I'm not just saying this.
[00:26:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:32] Speaker A: You are doing such good for everyone listening to this because they've never thought of this before.
[00:26:40] Speaker B: Because it's. Yeah. And it's. It's a vision that came from. From pain. And we talked about this too. Off is. Is off the air. Off the show is that instead of. If anyone out there deals with chronic pain or any type of pain in their life, we all go through experiences of pain.
Mine is like an everyday lived experience that needs medication to manage it. But instead of complaining about it constantly, what are you going to do with the pain? What's going to help you naturally distract from the pain that can help others instead of just focusing on yourself. And that's why this exists pretty much. It's one of the main reasons. And yeah, no, I. Thank you for saying that. There you go. Those, those two words. Thank you.
[00:27:23] Speaker A: Example, actually, if your wife would say to you. I'm sure she never would, but if she starts complaining about your pain that you complain about it too much, what goes on in our head, we get upset, we get angry. They don't understand.
[00:27:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:38] Speaker A: As opposed to validating. I don't know how you can deal with that. I know you and I together maybe can talk about some possibilities.
You probably know better, but right away, you know, you. The fact is you handle it so well.
None of your listeners know that you have pain.
[00:27:55] Speaker B: Probably not. Would not be able to tell. That's how it's. Yeah.
[00:27:58] Speaker A: So that's so, you know, so we need every one of us, everyone listening when they.
Whatever they do to get back to you and is to praise you for not showing it, for not talking.
All your podcasts are not about pain. They're about helping other people.
[00:28:15] Speaker B: Yeah. And I should. And listen, I am in. In that guilty mode sometimes of showing it Too much to my family to. Yeah, to the family members. And we gotta try and stray away from that too a little bit and, and you know, there's going to be good days and bad days, but for sure, try and manage that as well.
[00:28:34] Speaker A: I have to share with you.
When as my girl, my two children were growing up, I. I said. I think I. For some reason, I think I said it's more to, to my daughter than my son. I don't know why, I don't know. It might not even be true. But when she did something wrong, I used to say something to her and I never realized the strength of it. I never. It was only probably 20 years ago. It took that many years and I realized the power and the message I gave her.
And it was color. Susie. That's not her name, but Susie, it's a good thing. I love you so much.
That's a tremendous. Strong, strong. You know, I don't like what you're doing, but I love. It's a good thing. I love you so much. Because if not.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: Yeah, then you. You would blow up for sure. No, I totally get that.
So for parents, let's say, like, there are likely parents out there who do feel overwhelmed with everything, everyday life and, and this approach that you speak of, like, if they wanted to try and make this change, like, where can they start? What's the first small change that they can make, let's say this week?
[00:29:43] Speaker A: Okay, well, one thing, they can listen to the podcast again.
[00:29:47] Speaker B: There you go. That's good.
[00:29:48] Speaker A: Remember, remember the positives. Remember that if I say stuff, if I validate, if I praise for what they are doing rather than what they're not doing, they are on my side. I've got the Murray story. This isn't easy. It's not going to come. I heard about it once. You got to think about it. You can, you know, even if you. I can put a plug in for reggae, Give me a call and I'll be happy. Over the. Over the. Over the phone, even to reinforce it, listen to what's happening and give you a suggestion. I mean, this reggae is there. We've all the time that we. That we've spent all these years of helping people.
I must put one more plug in that we are one of the only private agencies that number one, will get people in within two weeks. The Children's Aid and agencies are anywhere between six months to two years right now. Yeah, one of the children's, they just stopped, closed up all their intake because they can't keep up with it. We all get the people in within two weeks, sometimes even within a week and a half. And the other thing that we do is because we don't get funding from the government, we. We do because we're a charity. We do fundraising.
And because of that we have a. We have a feeling that whoever needs our services should have access to it. So we have a sliding. We have a sliding scale based on income. So people can know that if, you know, they can't say, I can't afford it. You know, that's very rare because of the kind of scale that we have.
And it's just the belief we have. That's what we're here for. That's what regulation is all about.
[00:31:26] Speaker B: That's a. That's a good, you know, purposeful belief to have. Yeah. To try and help others no matter what the cost. Obviously, everything's a business, but you look beyond that when needed. And that's. That's good on you for that.
So you talk about the children receiving this type of new way of handling things from parents when, let's say, they misbehave.
But how do you think that children typically respond when parents begin to use the new approach that you speak of consistently?
[00:32:07] Speaker A: I was going to ask you what your daughter said. Yeah, it's funny you say that, because I was just thinking that when you did that today with your daughter so beautifully, I wonder what she was thinking. And you know.
[00:32:19] Speaker B: Yeah, I know. She was just very.
Her. Her mood shifted very quickly to just calmness like she wanted to.
[00:32:27] Speaker A: And that's where you praise her for it.
[00:32:29] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:32:30] Speaker A: You know what? You just now all of a sudden, like, this is the first time you've done them. So proud of you. Yeah, that was beautiful.
[00:32:37] Speaker B: Right? Exactly.
[00:32:39] Speaker A: So I think that the children can learn to do this also.
[00:32:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Oh, yeah, they can.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: That's what I'm talking about. Self praise. I had a parents in front of me and I said this thing about praise and we had talked about it once before, this is the second or third session. And she said, well, the mother said, well, I do that now all the time. I said, great, you're halfway there.
[00:33:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:03] Speaker A: What do you mean, halfway there?
I said, now the next step is to teach them to praise themselves and to hear. That's other thing. Some children, especially when they're very angry, they refuse to hear it, they reject it.
So we have to make sure they hear, you know, and when, you know, if they still keep, you know, if they. If they disregard what you just said to them, you know, really, I Mean that what I just said, I, I can understand, you know, children often do well when they know that the parents are getting help for it.
[00:33:35] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly.
What do you, what do parents often do you think, misunderstand about, I would say being gentle or say supportive communication. Is there, is there a misunderstanding there?
[00:33:49] Speaker A: I, I think it's something for them to integrate. They don't. The majority.
When you talk about it, what sounds so easy and as simple as it does here?
It's not. And then either they'll say, well, I forgot her. I didn't. It's hard for them to get into the habit of doing it and it's harder them again to acknowledge to the child when they do use it. And the child kind of stunned and you know, like what just happened here and they, they need to reinforce it. That's the perfect example of praising them for when they were, they started out so angry, yelling and screaming or not validated it. They actually stopped. You know, I've got a 13, 13 half year old boy now that I'm working with that has been exactly like that. And he just, he doesn't understand, like who are these parents? You know, but it changes him totally.
[00:34:41] Speaker B: This might be a tricky one though.
Is that, is there, would you say? Is there, is there a difference between validating a child and allowing bad behavior though? Like, how do parents balance the two?
[00:34:59] Speaker A: They're not alike at all.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:35:01] Speaker A: Validating is the thing. I, you know, let me give you a quick example.
Years ago, reggae used to run group homes for children, children that can't live at home. And I used to visit them as the director.
And I drove up one day to this home in Scarborough and literally as I drove up, the child is standing in front of the house screaming. I mean, you could hear it all the way in North York, screaming at the staff about how unfair it is not fair.
And I get out of my car, I said, george, what's happening here? Yeah, he will let me sit with the other children just because I threw my food at my, at my. One of the kids. He will let me watch TV until I apologize. He won't let me.
And he goes on and on about what this staff did to him.
[00:35:52] Speaker B: Right?
[00:35:53] Speaker A: Not for him, but to him, to him. And I said to George, I said, george, if I was you, I think I'd be feeling the same way.
[00:36:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:02] Speaker A: Which is probably true, by the way.
[00:36:04] Speaker B: And then, and then he was. That probably calmed him a little bit, right?
[00:36:08] Speaker A: He didn't know what to do with this. The same what we were Saying before, he didn't know what to do. He looked, I still remember this, he looked over the staff and he didn't, he didn't know what to say. It totally stopped the screaming.
[00:36:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
That's an incredible approach.
[00:36:22] Speaker A: When you, when a child is screaming or when an adult screaming, you can't talk to them. They don't hear you. They hear them.
[00:36:28] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. They're out, out of themselves. Right.
[00:36:31] Speaker A: They're out of control. Right, right.
[00:36:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:34] Speaker A: So what was, by the way, even with that, you can say, I see. I know right now you just need some time out. You need time to, to take a breather. Thank you, Rita. I'm not going to say anything more to you. When you're ready to talk, we'll talk then.
[00:36:48] Speaker B: Now, what would you say to a parent, let's say, who feels like they've already made, let's say, too many mistakes or missed their window to try this?
[00:37:01] Speaker A: Impossible.
[00:37:02] Speaker B: Impossible. Okay.
[00:37:03] Speaker A: Impossible. Never too late.
[00:37:05] Speaker B: Okay, so that's good.
[00:37:07] Speaker A: So never too late. They need a lot of reinforcement themselves. They, they, they, they're, at first, they're afraid to try, they parents are afraid to try it.
My child is just going to make them worse and so on. And it does just the opposite. And so, yeah, try it. You might like it.
[00:37:23] Speaker B: Yeah, I definitely do. It's a great approach. So I'm going to continue to use that some more and hopefully our listeners do as well. And viewers, you would certainly be doing good for your family. For families, let's say sorry, for families that, that want to reach out to you personally, Ed and your team. Can you share how they can connect with you or Ragesh.
[00:37:49] Speaker A: Right. Regish is R e G E S H a website is regesh R-E-G-E-S-H.com.
you can see pictures of the staff. You can hear. You hear a lot of what I read a lot about what I've already said. But more important, the phone numbers there.
416-495-8832.
And we try to be very quick to get back to you and we try to get very, like I said before, quick to get you in to see us.
And it's also, by the way, as a therapy where we reinforce. We don't want you to feel terrible because that's not going to get you forward.
When you start feeling, say, well, you know, I understand now why I'm doing this. I understand why when I scream at my kid that it doesn't work right. And then they have to realize they, they're Trying. One of the things that kids often hear, the children hear me say is similar what I said before about my daughter. It's a good thing they love you so much.
[00:38:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:38:56] Speaker B: That's a good one for sure.
Ed Shield, thank you so much for being here. Listen, if you could. If you could leave parents with one message, a reassurance today, what would it be?
[00:39:10] Speaker A: It's never too late. It really isn't. No matter what your child has done, we have to separate the child's bad behavior, quote unquote, from the child. The child is not bad. The behavior is inappropriate behavior.
And we're not bad. We might be doing inappropriate things also, but that doesn't mean we are bad people.
And that's very important because when children start talking about, I'm bad, I'm dumb, you know, then we. That's another whole discussion for another time about building self esteem, the importance of self esteem for all of us. It affects every one of us our entire life.
[00:39:50] Speaker B: I think also instead of, you know, they can replace like saying that they're bad with I'm imperfect.
Right. Maybe that you're not. Yeah. Like, nobody's perfect. And that's goes for parents, for children, families, and hopefully we're all just trying our best at. At the end of the day, by.
[00:40:11] Speaker A: The way, that's very important. We're trying our best.
[00:40:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:40:15] Speaker A: We can learn new ways, and now we have a new best.
[00:40:17] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. And we have good days and we have bad days.
[00:40:20] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:40:21] Speaker B: Thank you so much, Ed Schill.
You've been amazing today. Thank you for sharing your expertise and your time and your wisdom. Really means a lot.
[00:40:31] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:40:32] Speaker B: A lot of practical guidance for us here today on the show. If you're a parent, if you're a caregiver or educator, I encourage you to take his advice to heart and start making those small but powerful changes at home. If you'd like to learn more about Ed Schild and Ragesh Family and Child Services or to, you know, simply reach out for support, you can check out the Regesh website again. That's regesh.com r e G-E-S-H.com for producer Mike on the other end, who makes the magic work behind the scenes. Thank you so much, good sir. My name is Rob Daniels and make sure you subscribe to this podcast. That would mean a whole bunch on YouTube and thank you for listening, watching wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Rob Daniels. We'll see you in the next episode.
