After the Unthinkable

[00:00:18] Speaker A: Hey there, family and friends. It's been a while. Nice to see you again. It is Rob Daniels with you here with another episode of awareness, episode number 36 for fostering a more compassionate, empathetic and accepting society. Thanks so much for being along and, and, you know, just hanging out and subscribing to this podcast. If we could get it out to even more people, that would be greatly appreciated. I think that's the plan each and every week is to spread this with your, your friends, your family, the episode, get it out to your, your followers just so we can build some momentum with this show because of course, mental health, it's, it's an everyday journey and you can follow along on YouTube and each and every major podcast platform. So don't forget to like and subscribe with the show, and that's on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. So this is, yeah, once again, episode number three 36. And it's actually like the first time. This is kind of cool here where it split screens into three because first time had more than one guest on the show at once and it's kind of neat. I think this will be real cool to experience this. And it's all for certainly a good cause. You know, every story that we, that we share on this show is certainly meaningful. But today's conversation, well, it's, it's going to be one that we hold with one with particular care. Okay, so today joining me is Sarah and Jessica. So I've got Sarah to my left and Jessica to my right. And is that, or is it, wait, if it's the other way? Did I do that right, guys? No, it looks, yeah, to my left, but yeah, the way you look at the screen to my left and to my right. Okay, so joining me are Sarah and Jessica today. And so we're sitting down just, just one week after a significant and heavy milestone, the one year anniversary of the death of Sarah's son Riley, who died by suicide. And crossing that one year mark is a moment many survivors of loss dread and anticipate in equal measure. And now that they are on the other side of that date, Sarah and Jessica are here to talk about. They're here to talk about who Riley was and how they have navigated this past week and what it's like to begin a second year of remembrance. So, Sarah and Jessica, thank you so much for being here. [00:03:14] Speaker B: Thank you for having us. It's been, how do I say, a very emotional journey. Riley, he was a sweet, kind hearted person. He was 20. He passed away last January 28th. So it's just a couple days over the one year mark for us. Riley literally didn't show any signs, none at all. And to find out how he died was very eye opening. [00:04:08] Speaker A: And we'll get. Can. I'll get to that in, in a moment. I just wanted to first, before we officially begin, I wanted to ask, and you guys can go back and forth as to who prefers to answer which question or where we go with this conversation. You can, you know, let each other know who can answer it better type of thing or even if you have two separate answers, that's, that's great too. But I wanted to know what does it mean to you to share your story now, one year later. [00:04:41] Speaker B: For me, I want to keep his memory alive. We actually, I started. So last June, I decided by keeping his memory alive, I reached out to his high school that he graduated from. And what I did was, is my husband and I, my brother in law, we had donated some money and we called it the Riley Farrell Memorial Bursary Award. So what we did was, is we sponsored a graduating student from grade 12 who was pursuing a career in mental health. And we donated $750 to a student who was going to pursue mental health. And it was, it was really sweet. We, I, she said the girl who actually who won the award sent me like a picture of herself and you know, a thank you card. And it was really, really sweet. And we got to go to the graduation ceremony. We've done it again. So we're going to be sponsoring another student this June. And for my family, it's just a way of, you know, a lot of people knew my son and in order to keep his memory alive, I came up with the idea for sponsoring a student because he graduated there. And it's a great way to keep people in that profession. But also know, like, you know, there is help and you don't have to be ashamed, you don't have to keep those thoughts to yourself. You can always talk to someone. And you know, unfortunately for us, my son didn't say anything. So if it even helps one person moving forward to know that they're not alone and that there's help in a lot of different avenues, that would mean the world to me knowing that one person said something. [00:07:08] Speaker C: And can I jump in there? [00:07:12] Speaker A: For sure. [00:07:13] Speaker C: On the flip side, I'm a mental health nurse. I have been. [00:07:17] Speaker A: Thank you for your service. Thank you. [00:07:19] Speaker C: I have been since 2010 and Riley lived with me when this happened. [00:07:27] Speaker A: I'm so sorry. [00:07:28] Speaker C: And I had. No idea. This wasn't even on our radar that this was an issue. And it saddens me that he didn't ask out for help. It worries me because I've obviously experienced clients that have chosen this route of suicide, but it really opened my eyes to the silence of suicide. And, and like, I know that people don't talk about it a lot. There's a lot of shame in it. I, I totally get that. But this was, it hit home and it, it changed my practice a hundred percent and it, yeah, it really hit home that people, so many people are silent about it and you don't know when it's about to happen sometimes. And we need to normalize that. People can ask for help. They're going to ask for help for heart disease, they're going to ask for help for diabetes. They really should be asking for help for mental health. Like mental health in general. Not just these types of thoughts, but. [00:08:58] Speaker A: Mental health in general. Yeah, exactly. You're, you're, you're right on with that. So when people hear your, your son's name or your nephew's name, what do you most want them to know about who he was? [00:09:21] Speaker C: You go ahead, sir. [00:09:24] Speaker B: Riley was a kind hearted old soul. He was very quiet and they always say, like the quiet ones you have to watch out for. He was very soft spoken. He was more of an introvert. He, he didn't go out like, like Jesse said, he decided that he was going to move to Belleville because he thought Belleville had more job opportunities than Midland. So that was his choice that he decided that he was going to move there. And Jesse let him move in while he was working and he was there six months before he passed. And honestly, it doesn't, it doesn't make sense, you know, and it's so strange because like I had spoken to him on the phone literally two days before and he was telling me that he was thinking of moving home and it was more his job like he worked for like restoration. And he was, he was, he did tell me he was struggling with some of his co workers, but I don't think that that was the leading cause of him to take his life because he couldn't work with his co workers. He, he genuinely seemed happy, like, and that's what's so strange about the whole thing. He was always a very good kid. He got great grades, he was well liked. He, you know, he was in that late teenage, early 20s phase where, you know, those adolescent kids, they just don't know what they want to do in Life. Right. And they're still exploring their life. And, you know, when he had said to my husband and I that he wanted to move to Belleville, we're like, okay. But I knew he was in great hands because he was moving in with my sister. [00:11:38] Speaker A: Right. [00:11:39] Speaker B: And, you know, it's just. It's. I know, Jesse. It's. It's tough and feel your feelings. [00:11:50] Speaker A: It's all good to feel your feelings. [00:11:55] Speaker C: Was so, like, Riley was with me. He was like, my first kid. He's only 18 months older than my youngest. And they were best friends growing up. You know, if we went to Wonderland, Riley was with us every time. When I. I met my husband, where we have a blended family, he thought I had two kids because Riley was always with me. And all of my pictures. I have pictures at my house here in Belleville. We have pictures every year. Sarah and Dylan and Riley would come stay with us the first week of July. Riley was really into. What are they called? Airsoft. Like, and so they would go out skeet shooting and do all these things. We'd have bonfires. Like, Riley was always fun, but, like, when I reflect back, he was quieter in the end, but he was always, like, into, like, he was so smart. Smart with. I don't want to say gaming, but, like, computers. Like, he. That was. You know, if I had any kind of issue, he would be able to fix anything. In my family, we sit at the dinner table seven days a week and eat dinner, and he sat with us every day. And he was, like, outside building stuff with my husband and. And all those things. Like, he. I just. As a mental health nurse and as an aunt and as somebody who knew Riley really well, I was. I completely blindsided by what happened. [00:13:42] Speaker A: It's not. It's not a good feeling. No, I know. And it's. Yeah. I can't. I can't imagine the. The pain. And that's. Yeah. To. To feel the. Blindsided. The. It's. Did. Did he leave any form of a note or anything? No, nothing. [00:14:05] Speaker B: And that's. That's the hardest part, right? Like, the. No goodbye. The. [00:14:14] Speaker C: The why and the way that Sarah and I both found out was so traumatic for both of our reasons. Her being called a million times at home to wake up and say, your son died. And I was on a cruise ship. [00:14:29] Speaker A: On a cruise ship. [00:14:30] Speaker C: And to be. It was weird because I had data the whole time, except for that day. And I knew something was wrong. I woke up in the morning and I was like, God, I just feel like I need to Get a hold of my kids. [00:14:44] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:45] Speaker C: And I couldn't. There was no way I could until. And I'm sure by whatever reason, there was a reason why. But once my phone clicked on, there was, like, 75 missed calls and. [00:15:03] Speaker A: Many. [00:15:04] Speaker C: More text messages and, like. And then to be stuck for two days and not be able to get home to my family, to my kids, like, it's. You know, and with. No, it was my property. [00:15:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:15:22] Speaker C: To not. Not have a reason why, I think is like, the hardest part for me and Sarah, I'm sure you, too, is to not know why is. [00:15:34] Speaker A: To not. Yeah. Not have that closure. [00:15:38] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:15:39] Speaker A: So how do you as a family now speak about him today? [00:15:47] Speaker C: It's hard. [00:15:48] Speaker B: It's extremely hard, Jesse and I. Sorry, Jesse. It's really hard because he died a very tragic death. And, you know, a lot of people put blame on themselves when they shouldn't. And it's. It's. Honestly, it's tough. It's tough because all of us had a part in it. Right. And it's traumatic for my parents. [00:16:28] Speaker C: Now. [00:16:30] Speaker B: The outline of the story is my mother was watching Jesse's kids while she was on a cruise. [00:16:38] Speaker A: Your mother? [00:16:38] Speaker B: So. So my mom and dad were staying at Jesse's. [00:16:41] Speaker A: Okay. [00:16:43] Speaker B: And Riley decided to. My sister lives on a massive property, and he stole a gun and he took his life at the end of her property. And. But before he did that, he called 91 1, told them who he was, where he lived, and what he was gonna do, because otherwise we. We wouldn't have found him. [00:17:17] Speaker C: And. [00:17:19] Speaker B: The police knocked on my sister's door at 2:00am with my parents, and they wanted to see if he was actually home. And they had told my mom that he had made a 911 call and that she needed to use his. Find a friend to ping him to find him. And he was at the backside of my sister's property. And to this day, like, we'll never have the answers. And it's hard because I tell people, like, if you're struggling, talk to somebody. Because the pain that we go through, not knowing why, is devastating. And I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life and my whole family. And the tragedy that happened and how it happened is hard. And, you know, when that happened, honestly, I was not in a good mental state. It's taken me a year to get my mental health better. And, you know, Jesse can relate. I mean, she works in mental health day in and day out. And for Riley to not show any signs, that's hard. And that's hard on herself. And I always tell her, you know, it's not your fault, and, you know, it's nobody's fault. [00:18:59] Speaker A: No. [00:18:59] Speaker B: Riley made a very poor choice. I just wish I had the answers as to why he thought he needed to do what he did. [00:19:11] Speaker C: I think so. We also, like, my. My parents live down here in Belleville. They came here a few years ago. So my parents did stay here with us that night. So I think we all experienced trauma, significant trauma. My mom was literally outside smoking when the cops showed up. And to be woken up to that. My kids woke up to 10 cops in our house looking for him and looking for guns. [00:19:44] Speaker A: That's trauma. Yeah. [00:19:45] Speaker C: Sarah got a phone call saying, your son died. I got a phone call on a cruise ship saying, not only by Sarah saying, oh, my God, Riley passed away, but by cops asking for keys to our gun cabinets and then trying to figure out, like, I was stuck for two days on a cruise ship. Hashtag, don't go on a cruise ship. So, like, you know, we all experience it different. And I feel really bad for my parents. You know, Sarah and I and my kids have all done therapy. I think most of us are still in therapy, and I'm pro therapy, obviously, but my parents are at the age, at their mid-70s, that they don't want to talk about it, so they're suffering on their own, and that's really hard. And it's frustrating for me because I can. Like, I'm here, I'm with them all the time. So I'm. I'm trying. And, you know, just passing the. The first anniversary, which is the biggest anniversary. [00:20:56] Speaker A: Right. [00:20:56] Speaker C: If not. If not his birthday or Christmas or all those things. But, you know, trying to deal with my own. My kids, my sisters. But my. My parents is pretty heavy too, and it's. It's hard to try to really get it out there that grief does not end at day one. [00:21:21] Speaker A: No, I don't. [00:21:22] Speaker C: And it doesn't end at year five. Right. It can last a long time. And, yeah, the importance of going through it, because it doesn't go through all the stages all at once. It's like 1, 5, 4, 3, like, you know, back and forth. So that's been a struggle for me. And I. We have four kids who all came to my house and rallied around my sister and Dylan and my parents before I could even get home. My. My oldest daughter is like little Miss mom and took care of everybody. And she's the one that grew up with Riley, the closest. I mean, they all did, but they're all. They all still do counseling for it because they. They're at an age where they know that this needs to be dealt with. [00:22:24] Speaker A: Many parents and families believe they would know if something was wrong. But what would you want them to understand from your experience? [00:22:41] Speaker C: My. So Covid was a really tough year. Okay, a year, however many years, Everything. [00:22:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:49] Speaker C: Yes. So my, My oldest. Because they said we're a blended family. So my oldest biological daughter. I mean, all of my kids suffered. My three oldest suffered during COVID but my. My oldest did really suffer. She was a grade A grad of COVID so she didn't get the whole experience. High school was like half there, half not there. Definitely suffered with her own mental health. [00:23:19] Speaker B: And. [00:23:21] Speaker C: You know, it's watching for those warning signs. So, like, even though Riley, like I said, he sat at a dinner table with us every day that he was here, it was in my opinion, like, the little things that I questioned that, like, he wasn't as engaged as he was before. When I reflect back on thank God for Facebook memories, which are good and bad, by all means, really good and heartbreaking at the same time, I see like the smile in his face before versus, like, maybe not so much the smile in his face clothes closer to. To the time that it happened. And it's like those little things to pick up on, but it's always, talk to your kids. Talk to them. I. I'm wholehearted that I think everybody should be in therapy. You know, to me, there's so much going on in life. No matter if you're a teenager, an adult, or an elder, there's always something to talk about. [00:24:28] Speaker A: And. [00:24:31] Speaker C: I wish, I wish I would have paid a little bit more closer attention to the signs because faintly, as I reflect back, I don't think I would have noticed them then, but I might have noticed that there were some small changes. And even. Even the fact of him moving to our house. Like, Sarah, I don't know if you agree. I never really even knew why he. And you know, for the week, he always comes down for the same week in July. Like, historically, since I've moved to Belleville, you, Dylan, Riley, you guys, and Brad, you guys always come for the exact same week in July. And Riley and Dylan were here, Sarah were here, wasn't here. She left early. And then the boys always stayed. And he just said, hey, can I stay? And I was like, yeah, if you get a job. And he's like, okay, have a job interview on Monday. Like, it was just so fast. And then I never asked why, like, what happened? Why are you staying? Because I was just happy to have him. Yeah, he was his. [00:25:41] Speaker B: His reasoning to me, because I did ask him why he had decided that, you know, suddenly he was gonna pack up and move there. He just said it was more job opportunity. And I feel like now, when I look back, I feel like maybe he was running from something. Like, you know, he had a bad breakup, and I feel like maybe his current job, that he was working when he was here, he just wasn't happy. And maybe like I said, at. At that age, you don't really know what you want. And he was still exploring that. And. Yeah, and he just. I. He had said he wanted a fresh start and that when you knew my. [00:26:30] Speaker C: Door was always open, I had an extra room. My husband and him built, like, a whole desk so he can set up his massive computer station. Like they, like. Yeah, he just. He knew it was gonna work out, right? Or. Yeah, work out as much as I thought it was going to, but. [00:26:50] Speaker A: And yeah, it'll. It'll always be guessing games. And you. You just can't be hard on yourself. You just. It's none of your faults. It's just you're. There's a lot of what if scenarios, and unfortunately, it's those feelings of guilt that can sometimes get the best of us. Unfortunately, at times. And, I mean, grief obviously plays a huge part of this. Do you guys want to talk about that? How your grief perhaps has shown up differently for. For each of you as sisters. [00:27:31] Speaker C: Yeah, like, I can share. I. So. [00:27:34] Speaker B: So. [00:27:36] Speaker C: I've been doing grief therapy with a counselor and doing stuff with her, doing stuff on my own. I work in a outpatient mental health clinic where I counsel people who often have suicidal thoughts or have attempted suicide, people with severe depression, anxiety. So I've cut back on the type of clients that. That I have worked with over the past year, specifically ones that have had severe suicide attempts. And then I actually, just yesterday, they just announced that I'm changing my position. And a big part of that is because I just. I need to change. It's been a hard year. I am staying in mental health. I'm just changing my position. That's going to allow me not to do the same thing day in and day out. Have more time off. [00:28:50] Speaker A: Okay. Are you happy about that at least, or. [00:28:55] Speaker C: I. Yes, I'm. I'm happy. I'm nervous, I'm excited. It's a lot of different things, but it's needed. Regardless of the reason why it's needed. But My. My kids and I talk about him often, specifically Taylor, who was the one that was closest to him. But it. It's been a difficult trial because it's hard to bring up. Right. Because I. I carry. Like Sarah mentioned, I carry guilt, even though I know I shouldn't. It's something I'm working through, but I carry. I carry guilt with what happened. And one day I'm sure that'll ease up and go away. But I. I tried to move through each day without blaming myself and recognizing that he was struggling enough that he thought this was his only way out. And it's unfortunate that he didn't reach out. Yeah. But, you know, it's. It's a day at a time for me. Yeah. [00:30:28] Speaker A: In what ways are you keeping Riley's memory alive today? [00:30:36] Speaker B: But like I said, I have started his bursary, so. I just. Honestly, for now, like, even doing this podcast is, you know, a lot of. Gives me a lot of anxiety, but. [00:30:58] Speaker C: I'm glad I'm doing it up until five o'clock tonight. I was gonna cancel. [00:31:04] Speaker A: Really? [00:31:05] Speaker C: Yeah. I was like, I don't want to do it. I can't do this. My husband's like, you're gonna be a mess tonight. And I was like, yeah, I'm probably gonna have to take tomorrow. [00:31:17] Speaker A: No judgment. No, no. You guys are doing great. And it's. [00:31:21] Speaker B: It's after. After Riley died, my. I work for a real estate company for sale on Georgian Bay. And they have been so phenomenal. Like, my colleagues rallied together and donated money to us to help pay for Riley's funeral. And, you know, they gave me seven weeks off work, paid like they. [00:31:51] Speaker A: That's a good employer. [00:31:52] Speaker B: It's. I can't even thank them enough if, you know, like, they've truly, truly, truly been amazing. And they just gave me some money to put towards his bursary for this year. And. And I love that they're. They're more like their family to me. They're not just colleagues. And, you know, Keller Williams, which is the brokerage we work under, they donated money, too, when. When Riley passed. So I'm forever grateful. And, you know, in that time, I did start therapy, and I was not in a good headspace. I wasn't. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I literally shut my whole family out. I. I don't. To this day, I wish I had answers, and it's gonna bother me till the day I die about why. He was a good, good person, and obviously something was bothering him. And I wish. I wish he would have talked to somebody, whether it be me or, you know, even his best friend. His best friend that he has had since kindergarten had no idea. So he kept it to himself. Which makes it even harder, because not one person knew what he was going through. [00:33:40] Speaker A: Right. [00:33:41] Speaker B: And with the no note and nothing. Like, even when the detectives finally gave me back his phone and his laptop, because they kept it to download everything to see if maybe he was being bullied, if, you know, he was into something criminal. But he wasn't. He was a good person. And unfortunately, they didn't find anything. Nothing at all. So. [00:34:15] Speaker C: Like it? [00:34:16] Speaker A: Oh, no. I was just going to say, what. What. What do some of your. Like the therapists or mental health professionals that you've been consulting with, what do they say could help with this? No. Closure situation where you just don't have the closure. How do you. How do you get through that? What are some of the. [00:34:36] Speaker B: It's a day at a time. It truly is. And, you know, they always say to me, like, that my therapist, I love him, and he always says to me, I need to talk about him more. And I. I try to avoid it. And it's sad because I don't want to break down and cry. [00:34:58] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:35:01] Speaker B: You know, and it's. It's tough because, like, I. I see people. And the worst part is I avoid people now because I know that they're gonna be like, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I just. I can't do it. I can't, because I just. My heart is in a million pieces, and the not knowing is the absolute worst. And, you know, my therapist talks to me about being more open. And, you know, if somebody does want to talk about them, I should. But it's not that I don't want to share what he was like. It's just my emotions get the best of me. [00:35:46] Speaker C: It's sharing the pain. [00:35:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:49] Speaker C: And it's almost like you're interesting. [00:35:51] Speaker B: You relive it over and over and over and over. [00:35:54] Speaker C: That's interesting, Sarah, because as sisters, that's something that we've never talked about, and that's something that my therapist says is. So I've shut down, and I don't talk to my best friends. I don't talk to my husband about him. I cry quietly at night when I'm thinking about him. And they're like, no, you need to. You need to talk about him. You need to not just talk about him alive. You need to talk about his death. And that's part of the grieving process. Right. [00:36:27] Speaker B: And. [00:36:27] Speaker C: And recognizing again that like grieving doesn't happen in all the stages all at once. It goes back and forth. And that's what I think people need to remember is, you know, you feel the denial, you feel the anger, you feel the guilt, you feel everything. And I've been through them all. And I've been through them all multiple times for the past 12 months. But I need to work harder on talking about him alive and in death. And I need to. The hardest thing I need to work over is the guilt. And that's, you know, it. Whether it's the guilt of not knowing what happened, if the, if it's the guilt of the means. [00:37:20] Speaker A: It. [00:37:20] Speaker C: That is my lifetime goal is to work through that. [00:37:29] Speaker A: And I. I hope you get through it because it's not easy at all. For. You're welcome. For. For loved ones who, who worry about someone but they don't see the signs. What's one thing that they can do differently starting today? [00:37:53] Speaker C: So I would say I know it's a struggle in today's age, but try to find somebody to reach out to. I know that there's like, not a lot of family doctors out there. I know, like, there's confidentiality. There's everything as a person, you could always talk and not get responses back. But you know, to encourage people to. It doesn't mean you have to reach out to say, I feel suicidal. I feel like something's gonna happen. But if we could reach out, like there's. I guess the one thing that I'll promote is that I'm not sure a lot of people know about is right across Canada now there's 988. And all you have to do is pick up your phone and dial 988 and it is a suicide line. And wherever you are, it tries to bounce you to your closest. It just so happens that the hospital that I work at is one of the ones that hosts this. So I, I know quite a bit about it. But it bounces you to your clothes closest section or location. And you can talk to somebody live. It's not AI like you can text them, you can do anything, and it's just somebody to sit there and listen to you. And it doesn't have to mean that you're suicidal and you're thinking, oh, I'm about to go do this. It could be like, it. It's a little bit different than calling like the crisis intervention center, but it, I mean, which is an amazing option too. I 100% call those people, but specifically for people who are having these intense suicidal thoughts. 988 are highly specialized individuals from British Columbia to Newfoundland that are there 24 hours a day. They literally don't get up from their chair. They're there to answer a phone 24 hours a day. [00:40:07] Speaker A: And God bless their souls. [00:40:09] Speaker C: If we could, like, it's a job I could never do. And, and if we could like blast that all over the place. 988, I would highly recommend the them. [00:40:23] Speaker A: If Riley were listening to this conversation today, what would you want him to know? [00:40:32] Speaker C: That I'm pissed off. [00:40:35] Speaker A: There's that. I think that's. Listen, it's valid. I mean, all emotions probably. [00:40:43] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. That. That I hope that he knew that he was loved by everybody. Like, even our extended family. Right. Like my, like Sarah's in laws. Like my in laws. Like, everybody knew Riley. He was with all of us for all holidays and the. The outcrying of support that we had when it happened. I wish he would have felt that love. If he would have saw his celebration of life, the hundreds of people that showed up for it. [00:41:24] Speaker B: Hundreds. [00:41:25] Speaker C: Like he would have known if he knew how many people were there, that if he just told one person, one person could have made a world of difference. And I don't. I don't blame him for what he did because I feel like he didn't actually know what to do. That he felt like that was his only answer. And that's unfortunate. And that's where we need to change the. The conversation so that people know. I know with our kids, mine and Jason's four kids. As soon as it happened, it took us two days to come home from the cruise. And the first thing we did, because our kids were already here supporting Sarah and my parents and, and the family, before we could get here, the first thing we did was pull them all together and say never. This is never the option. You can tell us whatever you need to tell us. If you're ever in trouble, you need to tell us. And to be honest, some of my kids have struggled since and we dropped everything to. To run. So, you know, for anybody listening, there is always another option. It might take time and, you know, between a combination of therapy, medication, doctors, family, whatever you need to do, it might take time, but there is always another option. [00:43:06] Speaker A: What gives you hope moving forward? [00:43:12] Speaker C: I. The whole hard question, it is. [00:43:16] Speaker A: I'm sorry. [00:43:17] Speaker C: No, that's okay. [00:43:19] Speaker B: I think on my end. [00:43:25] Speaker C: It'S just. [00:43:26] Speaker B: Bringing his memory alive through the bursary for me and, you know, sharing Riley's story. And, you know, that'll get easier over time. But I also, I enjoy, I joined a group, you know, for parents who have lost their kids to suicide. [00:43:51] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:43:51] Speaker B: And there's a group on Facebook. And, you know, if you even have listeners to your podcast, I would love to talk to parents who have maybe lost their, their kids, you know, in the same way. And it, sometimes it's just easy to talk to someone who's been through it versus someone who hasn't. [00:44:16] Speaker A: Right. [00:44:16] Speaker B: Right. [00:44:17] Speaker C: And. [00:44:20] Speaker B: People who get it, it's, it's tough. It's a long road of grief and tears and trying to move forward day by day. But I think, you know, Riley would be proud of what I've done. You know, we, we donated $750 last year, and this year we're doing like, two grand for a graduating student. So that, for me alone, makes me feel good knowing that it's all for him. [00:45:02] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And wow, you two have certainly been through a lot. I highly recommend also the great folks at Simcoe County Suicide Awareness Council. Do you know them quite well? Susan. Susan Layton, I believe she was my first guest ever on Awareness, and she's fantastic. And all the people that work there, and I've been grateful to emcee their charity walk in, in Simcoe county. And they're great people. I totally recommend you keep in touch with them when you can and lean on them when you need to. Absolutely. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Listen, I'm so grateful to both of you, Sarah and Jessica, for joining the show today. This journey hasn't been easy, but by sharing Riley's story, you're helping to break the silence that often surrounds suicide and the grief that follows. So if you or someone you know is struggling, please know that you are not alone. You can call or text the suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 9, 8 8, anytime 24. 7. Sarah Jessica, thank you so much for your courage. [00:46:29] Speaker B: Thank you for having us. [00:46:31] Speaker A: You're most welcome. [00:46:32] Speaker C: Okay. Take care. [00:46:34] Speaker A: You, too. [00:46:35] Speaker B: Thank you. Take care. [00:46:44] Speaker C: Sam.